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| This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan,
Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the
feelings of their daily lives. |
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| Lost in Negative Thoughts of My Own / Aya |
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 When I went home to my parents’ place, I didn’t waste any time before telling my father about my HIV status. I did so because my father has great inner strength and I was confident that he would take it in his stride. After I had confided in him, without being upset, Dad said, “That took no small amount of courage.” But the fact that he told my Mom, despite my asking him not to, was unexpected. Mom was all tears: “Why did this happen to you…?” She lost her usual appetite for about half a year and seemed to lose a bit of weight. But mothers are strong creatures; it wasn’t long before she had returned to her old self and begun studying folk medicine with a passion, semi forcing some of her remedies on me (I was particularly adverse to “urine therapy”), and in no time at all she was back to her previous weight (although she was probably healthier when she was slimmer…). This made me think that parents are truly amazing people. Married couples may divorce, while siblings and friends, if they are married or have children, will naturally put their own families first. But the bond between parent and child can never be severed. It’s a special relationship of unconditional love, no matter what the circumstances.
As for friends, when I discovered that I was HIV positive, my way of thinking became quite negative. I kept an emotional distance from my friends, even though I acted cheerfully in front of them. But somewhere along the line, I realized that if life is short, then surely I should make the most of my time with my friends So I told some of my friends about being HIV positive. They were all really comforting. Some offered encouragement, others wrote me kind letters, and some did a lot of research into the disease and even talked with me about having children in the future. I was stupidly on the verge of rejecting myself and my life, cutting ties with all those I had held dear, all because I had simply become HIV positive. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I was about to confine myself to a tiny world of my own creation. But my friends just accepted me as I was, as I am, and as I will be, and gave me the courage to take the necessary steps forward. For that, I am truly grateful them. |
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