SUNSTAR

This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan, Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the feelings of their daily lives.

Precious Life　/　Aya

I am always interested in hearing about new diets, but a look at my body shows I haven’t been successful at dieting, and my awareness of beauty is questionable.

As for my face, I’m careful about how I look and my expression. After turning 30, I began to think that what a person feels inside shows on his or her face, so I have been trying to make more of an effort to improve myself. However, it’s a continuous battle. When I’m tired, I take giant steps backward and my frustration shows in the clearly defined lines between my eyebrows… So, recently I’ve started doing facial exercises. I put a mirror on the table and I smile, or think of an image of Buddha and make a peaceful expression (I especially like Amitabha Tathagata, one of the three statues of Amitabha at Horyuji Temple. It has a very gentle, kind face. The wooden statue of Buddha also soothes me with a smile on its face that comes from within). Some elderly people have wonderful smiles, don’t they? I think they must have led very fulfilling lives. I want to become an old lady like that!

In regard to health, when my immunity was low I had terrible eczema and my skin was rough and dry. After starting antiretroviral therapy, though, my immunity steadily rose, and because I don’t suffer any side effects, I’m never usually aware of my illness in day-to-day life. The reason why I still have my health is because of the medicine, and I’m grateful for living in a place where medication is available. The flip side of gratitude, however, is a constant feeling of indebtedness. That’s because, while there are now different kinds of antiretrovirals available and I’m able to continue living because I’m taking them, there are those who can’t do so due to financial reasons. I wonder what would have happened to me if I hadn’t been on medication when my immunity was low. I am able to take them, though, and today I live a healthy life. That’s something that everyone has a right to. I wish that all HIV positive people in the world lived in societies where they could appreciate modern scientific advances.