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| This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan,
Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the
feelings of their daily lives. |
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 Some says: Love is blind; love is sacrifice, love is patience, love is respect, love is openness, love can move mountain, love is just an illusion, etc. etc.
But for me LOVE is like doing the best in me, doing the right thing in a right time and in a right place. Love is sometimes dangerous if it’s too much. It can harm anyone or even kill sometimes.
When I found out that I am HIV positive my world went upside down. I really don’t know what to do. I tried to hide my feelings from my sisters and friends who knew my status, but it is very difficult. I told them that I am not afraid whatever happens, but deep inside me is a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I have lot of friends to go to just to hide my loneliness. I sometimes write a song or a poem just to ease the pain. But you know there comes a time that you will fall again. And it happens to me....
Looking, searching, hunting, seeking, exploring and surfing in the internet. Name it and I’ll tell you that I did it just to hide my true feelings. At first it’s just like flirting because of what happened to me, I found out that I can’t trust a man. Would you imagine that my husband and I were friends for five years and boyfriend-girlfriend for two years and married for almost a year? And I didn’t know that he is HIV positive. But when love really finds you, it will change you not only as a person but as a woman who thinks the right things. I will share you a secret....
Before I marry my husband I had relationships. And one of these, is I considered my special love. I didn’t say that I didn’t love my husband but what I’m trying to say is that I love him so much at that time. Maybe you can ask, and how can I prove that?
I met Gary when I was in a choir group in May 1994. At first he is not my crush or my type. But as days pass, I knew he is a good man and noticed that he is handsome; have a very nice eyes and really smart. I know because he became my best friend. He has a nice voice and knows how to play a guitar, so I fell for him.
May 29, 1996 when he said I love you for the first time. I was really shocked and very nervous at that time. Would you imagine your best friend saying I love you? Well because I have a feeling for him we became best friend lovers. The happiest moment in my life is being with him all the time. I imagine myself waking up early in the morning, that when I open my eyes I will see him beside me. My dream is to be with him even when our hair becomes white. Walking hand in hand while having a vacation in any part of the world. Being with him in ups and downs is the biggest challenge that I want to experience. But..... I found out that in every relationship there comes a hindrances. If you really love the person, the more love the more pains and heartaches.
It was October 5, 1999 when I discovered that he’s having an affair with another woman. I asked him why he did that. At first he denied it and has some explanations. But I have a proof that he betrayed me. And when he thinks that I will not believe in him, he said: “I don’t want to hurt you but the woman is very persistent and she really likes me despite of saying that I really love you. She wants me even she is the second. That’s the time I felt very bad. I don’t know how to explain it but I don’t want to feel anything. I cried a lot. I can’t sleep at night instead I cried and think of what I have done to experience this kind of heartaches. But despite of the fact that I was betrayed I feel that I do really love him. Even though I love him, I can’t trust him anymore and my respect for him was lost. So I talked to him and ask that maybe it’s best for us to be friends. He doesn’t want to because he said that he really loves me but I insist of breaking up with him. Months passed, I can’t forget him and this time I wish that I gave him another chance because I cannot find another man like him.
Days passed, I found another man. His friend, my husband, Alex.
Being in love is like breathing everyday. Love is always there. Love will surely come as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. I’m not afraid of being hurt because of love. I want to be in love and have heartaches rather than never been in love. Now, I am very “positive” finding my new love. I don’t lose hope finding it “positively.”
You can have a relationship without marriage; you can have marriage without love. But the most important thing is you can find your true love deep within your heart and it’s in YOU! |
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