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| This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan,
Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the
feelings of their daily lives. |
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| Love and relationship / Mony |
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 Sana is a penname that I wish to be called but people like to call me Mony, which means clever or smart in the local language.
I am the second daughter in the poor family with six children. My dad has started dating-out with his new wife when I was 3. The household’s expenses were covered by my mom. Everyday, she needed to get-up at 3 am to transport vegetables and fruits to market for selling, and left us alone.
I was raped by an anonymous guy in the age of 7. I talked to my older brother who was a crazy boy about the situation. I needed him to comfort me but was useless. He could not understand all what I was trying to say. I cried and cried.
In my culture virgin is very important. Men are expecting to marry with pure girl.
When I was 18, I fell in love with the outside village’s guy. Sometimes, he tried to persuade me to make love with him but I always refused because I feared of him to find out that I was not virgin anymore. My boyfriend felt very upset with me. Because I could not make any pleasure for him, he decided to woo my girlfriend. In front of me, he kissed and invited her to visit his family. I broke-up with him then.
In February 2002, I decided to marry with the policeman whom I met at the workplace. We both did not screen for HIV because of trust. Two months later I had pregnancy and STI (Sexual Transmitted Infection). My husband visited private clinic to screen for STI but he was shocked when doctor told that he was HIV positive.
He brought the result to show me at work. I cried very silently in heart. I wished to yell but I could not because I was afraid my colleagues known and stopped talking to me.
The child abortion activity in our community is illegal, however, I was still deciding to made abortion because the prevention mother to child transmission program was not yet well-known or even accessible at that time.
In 2003, my husband has developed AIDS. He quitted his job. My small earning was divided into several pieces; paid for my husband medication, foods, and the interest of my mother’s debt. I could not make any save for future.
I loved and respected my husband so much. He was in the hospital and I looked after him both day and night time. I prayed for him. I asked the GOD please save my husband’s life. I dared to sacrifice my life to secure his life. Unfortunately, he passed away from me in February 2003 because of unaffordable co-infection treatment.
The death of him made my parents in law hated me and saw me as bad. They should not blame me. They never learned how hurts am I. I lost my dream, my hope, and my future but I say nothing.
Today, my age is 28 but I still look young and pretty. There are many men fall in love with me but none of them ask me for marriage after told them I am a HIV widow.
In my age, I learned, women always do everything for men, family, and society but nobody could see our value. Day-to-day, I wish all women, no matters their race, religion, and classes stand and speak-up for our rights, for our face, and our value because without us, the society could not progress.
Let’s hope and smile for all HIV positive women!!!!!
Good luck and stay healthy!!!!!! |
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