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| This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan,
Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the
feelings of their daily lives. |
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 Nowadays I have a habit of saying “I want a partner!”
When I was diagnosed with HIV and my partner died some ten years ago, I was quite sure that I would never love anyone or be loved. But...I am a human being after all. “How could you think like that? Didn’t you know your own character?” “Come on, stop acting like a drama queen”...said close friends of mine. Yes, they are right. I don’t look like a princess who waits for a prince on a white horse in the castle. I would rather go hunting him on a horse.
I used to think I would be rejected if I disclose my HIV status. But it is not true. Some like me as I am. Others don’t because of my being HIV positive but because of other things. I used to think I cannot take one step forward when it comes to relationship because I am HIV positive. But it is not true either. I cannot or don’t do that probably because I care more about my daughter, because I am in my late thirties and reluctant to start a new relationship with someone, or simply because I don’t want to bother myself. There must be infinite space for love in one’s heart. However, I sometimes feel my heart is filled with love for and from my daughter and no space for other love. Besides, it needs tremendous energy to move toward a stage where I start a new life with a partner. I simply don’t have such energy at the moment.
However, I always imagine how nice if I have someone at home I can talk and have a drink with at night when I come back home from work. “Sorry Naoko, it’s not realistic. In reality, you might have nothing to talk about after you live with him for several months.” “You won’t relax yourself because it’s very difficult to find a partner who is willing to do housework”...Don’t disappoint my dream, friends!
However, again I can say, “I want a partner!” Nobody knows what may happen tomorrow, right? |
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