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| This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan,
Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the
feelings of their daily lives. |
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| Up to Now and From Here On / Riiko |
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 I have a big secret.
The truth is that I have contracted the often misunderstood virus HIV. Only my family and some of my friends know this fact. I have only told a few select people close to me. My close friends have continued to be there for me, despite my telling them this secret.
But something is missing... ...the joy of being a woman!
When I think about it, my first love at the age of 18 was my first and last romance as a ‘normal’ woman. That boyfriend was the cause of my coming into contact with HIV, and since then I have been nervous about getting into a relationship.
Having said that, life is long and it’s lonely being by oneself. Nothing will change as long as I remain timid. First and foremost, do I really have to live my life in secrecy? When I asked myself that question, the answer was “No.”
Then I met somebody. Although I didn’t think anything special of it at first, I gradually began to sense the kindness in him. We seem to understand each other. Eventually, I plucked up the courage and told him everything. About what had happened to me, how things were now and what I wanted to do in the future? The simplicity with which he accepted that I was HIV positive was a bit of an anticlimax, and he said that he wanted to have a relationship with me.
We were together for a long time after that, but we finally broke up due to various mutual differences. And although I do feel that I’m back at square one, I’ve also made a lot of progress.
While we were still together my boyfriend told me that, “If you hadn’t become HIV positive you wouldn’t be the person you are today. And the person I like is the person you’ve become today.”
I believe that he’s right. I live with HIV. That has a great influence on my personality, way of thinking and lifestyle. As he said, I wouldn’t have much to talk about if I wasn’t HIV positive.
That’s why I believe that if somebody appears who I’m supposed to be with, then that person will accept the fact that I’m HIV positive.
And I also have a simple dream: that I’ll go on a group date with other HIV-positive women who I’m friends with and their boyfriends. It may seem a bit infantile, but I long for such simple pleasures. I’ve got all of my life ahead of me. I’m positive I can make my dream come true. |
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