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| This is the essay series by women living with HIV. The authors in Japan,
Cambodia, Portugal and the Philippines, write about episodes and the
feelings of their daily lives. |
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| “MEETING MY CHALLENGE” / Maricon |
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 “I will not problem any problems, problem must be problem my problems.” That is the motto I have ever had in my life.
I am second to the eldest. A very funny and a very loving sibling and a daughter. I grew up in poverty with my five siblings. My mother used to sell fruits and my father is a government employee. I always remembered when my mother said “you have to study hard even harder because when I was little and want to study but my parents doesn’t want me to study because they couldn’t support us.” She always kept on telling me that until I reached the age of sixteen.
When I was in my college my parents couldn’t support my studies. I have to work and study at the same time. My older sister and I sell bananas to the market and sometimes police caught us because we’re selling at the sidewalk. I always remember when we are running after the police. I even laughed whenever I remembered that I can run faster than the police. I have to do this to support my studies. I know that finishing my college is the only way that could help us to have a decent life.
When I was nineteen, my mother died. It was the time that my life seems upside down. I don’t know what to do but as the same, I told myself that it’s only a problem. It will not do any good if I think of it instead I will do what I can do to help my siblings. I worked very hard and study at night to help my siblings to pay for their expenses and my expenses too.
After years of studying, I worked in a government office as an administrative staff. My life seems to be in the right path. I had my boyfriends, but no intimate relationship.
At the age of twenty-one, I joined in the church chorale group. I met a lot of friends and even I met my husband. We were friends for five years and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for two years. After two years, we decided to be secretly married. It was wonderful feeling that I found my partner in life.
Months passed, my husband requested by his uncle to donate a blood. As a good Christian he obliged to do it. Until we found out that he was positive. At first I was shocked and frightened but I told him that it’s just a virus. I myself go for testing but I found out it was negative. Until such time that I encouraged him to reconfirm his result. I was with him and ask the doctor if I can voluntary have the test too.
We have to go back to the hospital to get our result. At first, I am not nervous instead I am calm. I looked at my husband and he also is calm. It’s time to get the result. I open the envelop because it was not sealed and found out the biggest challenge of my life. We are both positive.
My hands were shaking. My body cannot move. I want to walk but my feet don’t want to walk. I want to cry but I can’t cry. I can’t even shout or talk. I wish that it was only a dream, a dream that will vanish when I wake up. I thought of sinking down into the place where I stood and started to cry. I asked myself, “What will happen to my life?” I asked God, “Why me?” When I thought that I could not cry any longer, I told my five sisters what was happening to me. They accepted me and told me that they love me; that no matter what happens they will support me; that I must not give up because giving up is not the solution. I also told to my closest friends what’s happening to me and to my surprised they accepted me and said that it’s not the gauge of our friendships.
So I started seeking help from my HIV-positive peers and they gave me strength and showed me that I am not the only one having HIV and I can help in my own way. I met a lot of HIV positive people who showed me respect and trust. I found a new family and thanking the Lord for giving me this challenge.
Now, I can say that I can tell to the whole world that I am not afraid of being HIV positive woman because I know what my rights are. And I am positive of meeting a new partner in my life. |
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